The Case of the Cackling Car

The Case of the Cackling Car

Chapter One

The kissing gourami were living up to their name.

“How long do you think they can go on like that?” Sam Bean asked his identical twin brother, Dave, as they both stared at the fish.

“For hours, I think,” Dave answered.  “Just like Mark Manganero and Susie Spitz.”

Sam laughed.  He and Dave had accidently stumbled across Mark and Susie sitting on a park bench with their lips locked together the day before.

“Hi, Davasam,” Ms. Chang, the owner of the pet shop they were in, called, using the name she’d made up for them.  “Solved any cases lately?”

“Not this week,” Dave said, with a smile.

“Well, even famous detectives need a break…Got some nice neon tetras in.”  She came over and pointed to an aquarium full of sparkling little fish.

“They are nice, but we’re leaving tomorrow on our Christmas vacation, just Sam and me,” Dave said, “and we can’t buy any new fish until we get back.  What we need today is some fish food.”

“Who’ll be taking care of your fish while you’re gone?”

“Our friend Rita O’Toole,” Sam said.  “Our parents are taking their own vacation in Florida.”

“Where are you going?” Ms. Change asked, getting them a container of food.

“To a small town in Texas named Papagayo,” Dave answered.  “It’s near the Mexican border.  Our aunt lives there, and she invited us for the big fiesta they’re going to have.”

“That sounds like fun.  Near Mexico, eh?  How about bringing me back a Mexican tarantula or two?”

“Gee, I don’t know,” Sam said, dubiously.

Ms. Chang laughed.  “I’m only kidding, Davasam.  There are very strict laws about bringing in animals from other countries.  You need papers, certificates, all sorts of things.  Sometimes, the animal has to be in quarantine for a long time.”

“Really?” asked Dave.

“Most definitely.  Unless you smuggle them in.  People try to avoid the cost and time by smuggling in animals.  But I don’t imagine you’d want a tarantula crawling around in your sneaker.”

“No, thanks.”

“Although it would most likely be the tarantula who suffered.  Anyway, here’s your fish food.”

Dave paid for it.

“Have a wonderful trip.  Tell me all about it when you get back,” Ms. Chang said, smiling.

“We will,” said Dave, and picking up his purchase, he and Sam left the store.

A Clue in Code

A CLUE IN CODE

Chapter One

The curve ball came at him in slow motion.  His bat, tugging at his arms, was poised, ready.  He swung, and the swing was clean and smooth.  Crack! Bat and ball connected.  The white sphere soared over the pitcher’s head, arced high above the outfield and landed smack in the hands of some lucky fan in the stands.  As he crossed home plate, he heard the crowd call his name, “Sam Bean! Sam Bean!”

“…did you, Sam Bean?”

Sam’s eyes focused slowly.  The fans, the stands, the field dissolved.  The cheers of the crowd turned to giggles.  it took him a moment to realize where he was and who was talking to him.  When he did, he turned red.  “Uh, I’m sorry, Ms. Corfein,” Sam said to his teacher.  “Could you repeat the question?”

The class giggled again.

“Asleep on the job, eh, Sam?” Ms. Corfein said.

“Way to go, Bean,” Willie Landers, sitting next to Sam, snickered.  Willie was a tough kid who always made snide remarks–especially to Sam and Dave, Sam’s identical twin brother.  Willie–and practically everybody else in the school–knew their reputation as private eyes, only unlike most other people, Willie disliked them for it.

“Sorry,” Sam mumbled again.  it wasn’t like him to daydream in school, but the November day was so gloomy, he’d got to thinking about April and baseball and the next thing he knew he’d dozed off.  He glanced over at his brother.  Dave wasn’t looking at him.  He was taking some money out of his picket, and he looked alert as always.

“I asked if you brought in your money for the class trip.  You and Roger Blitzman were the only ones who didn’t raise your hands,” said Ms. Corfein.

This time, Sam glanced at Roger.  He was a small, shy boy whom nobody knew very well.  He kept pretty much to himself.  Ms. Corfein was always calling on him to do jobs for her.  He might have been called “teacher’s pet,” except he didn’t act like one.

“Oh.  Oh yeah.  I brought it,” said Sam.

“Good.  Roger, would you please collect the money, put it in this envelope and put the envelope in my locker.  Here’s the key.”

Roger stumbled to his feet and began to walk around the room, collecting the money.  Sam turned to look at him just as he was putting the envelope in.  Then Roger locked the door and returned the key to Ms. Corfein.

“All right, class.  Turn to page forty-one of your workbook,” Ms. Corfein said.

The class groaned softly.

“Rita, tell us the answer to problem one.”  Ms. Corfein shivered slightly, went over to the long row of windows and began to fiddle with one of them.

Sam watched her for a moment, then opened his book.  The numbers began to swim in front of his eyes.  He had just hit his third homer when the lunch bell rang.  Three more hours to go.  I can tell nothing is going to happen today. Nothing at all, Sam thought.

In less than an hour, he’d find out just how wrong he was.

Archer Armadillo’s Secret Room

ARCHER ARMADILLO'S SECRET ROOM

(excerpt)

Archer Armadillo figured his burrow was the best burrow in the whole state of Texas.  It was warm.  It was snug.  And it had lots of rooms Archer could explore.

His grandfather–whom everyone, even Archer, called Old Paw–agreed with him.  After all, the burrow had been Old Paw’s before Archer and his mother and his father and his twelve brothers all moved into it.  Old Paw had lived there since he was small.

Sometimes, after Archer went exploring the burrow, he’d tell his grandfather what he found.  And Old Paw would laugh or look surprised or scratch his belly.

Once, in one of the rooms, Archer found an empty shell of armor just like his own, only bigger and harder and dustier.  When he told Old Paw, his grandfather slapped the ground and said, “Why, that must be my great-uncle Manus.  We always wondered what happened to him.”

The Case of the Sabotaged School Play

THE CASE OF THE SABOTAGED SCHOOL PLAY

Chapter One

“‘Sink me, if it’s not Jean La Fleet, the pirate king,'” Mary Ellen Moseby read in a bad British accent.

Dave Bean stifled a yawn.  Mary Ellen’s plays always put him to sleep.  He wouldn’t be in them–or in the Drama Club for that matter–if he didn’t like to act so much.  Acting was great.  Putting on a false nose, a wig, a tunic, a sword. Standing on stage in front of an audience.  Dave loved it.  He even thought he might become an actor when he grew up.  That is, if he didn’t become a private eye.

Mary Ellen switched to an equally awful French accent.  “‘The same.  And your weesh, Sir Hugo, is my command.  Gentlemen, sink zis sheep.'”

Joel Mazzara, president of the Drama Club, turned to Dave and whispered, not very quietly, “Baaaa.”

Mary Ellen’s already pink skin turned pinker.  Her upturned nose pointed to the ceiling as she said, in a snooty voice, “The trouble with you, Joel Mazzara, is that you have no taste.”

Joe stood up, hands on his hips.  “Well, then, there must be a lot of other people who don’t either, because nobody ever comes to your plays except the parents of the kids who are in them.”  He sighed and changed his tone.  “Look, Mary Ellen, you can write all right, but people don’t want to see stuff like this.  It’s corny.”  He turned to the rest of the club.  “What I think we should do is tell Ms. Kirby we want to put on a famous musical.  Something that everyone will like. Something like Grease.”

Grease!  The kids in the club began to murmur excitedly.  “I wanna be Danny.” “You’d be great as Sandy.”  “How about Donna as Rizzo?”  “My brother has this T-shirt I could wear.”

Dave was excited too.  “I could slick my hair back and wear a leather jacket and Mom couldn’t even complain,” he said to Sam.

Sam grinned and nodded.  He was shyer than Dave and went in more for sports than acting.  But he was thinking that if they put on Grease even he might ask Ms. Kirby, the director, if he could be in it, instead of working the lights as usual. It would be fun to jump around on a hot rod and act tough.

Then, a thin blond girl named Ginger Janowitz piped up.  “Ms. Kirby won’t let us put on Grease. You all know she thinks we should perform plays that students have written instead.  Besides, I like Mary Ellen’s play.  I think it’s…original.”

“Well, I don’t,” Donna Jordan put in.  “I think Joel’s right.  The Merry Pirates is–”

“A very fine play,” a grown-up voice said.

All heads turned to the doorway.  Standing there was Ms. Kirby, the drama teacher and director of the play.  “Now, I know some of you have been disappointed about the size of the audiences for our last productions, but I’m sure with a little more publicity, we’ll get a full–well, a fuller–house this time.  Mary Ellen’s put a lot of work into this play and we are going to put it on.”

“Not if I can help it,” Dave heard Joel mutter.

Other people sighed and shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

“I’ve chosen the cast,” Ms. Kirby went on.  “Joel, you will play Jean La Fleet. Dave, you’ll be Sir Hugo.  Donna will play Brigitte De Tour and Mary Ellen will be Brigitte’s maid, Fifi.  Jim, Sharon, Andy, Steve, Ron, Mike and Lois will be the pirates and Sir Hugo’s crew.”

“But Ms Kirby, you didn’t mention me,” Ginger Janowitz called out.

“I’m sorry, Ginger.  There aren’t any other roles. But you–and everyone else who didn’t get a part–can work on sets, costumes or the props.  We all have to pitch in to make this the best production we’ve ever had.  Here are your scripts.  See you tomorrow for the first rehearsal.”

Ginger got up to leave, and as she passed Donna, she gave her a nasty look.  Joel did the same to Mary Ellen, who had stopped smiling and appeared lost in thought.

Dave turned to Sam.  “Whew, I have a feeling this play isn’t going to go so smoothly.”  Sam nodded.  But neither one of them knew just how much trouble there was going to be.

Leroy Is Missing

Chapter One

“Even a famous detective like Sam Bean can mess up, “Dave Bean gasped.  He was running hard to keep up with his twin brother.  It wasn’t easy.  Sam was athletic, while Dave was not.  “Mom’ll get over it–even though you totally ruined her beaded sweater by throwing it in the washing machine.”

“It was stained,” Sam mumbled, and ran harder.  How come Dave never does anything wrong, he wondered.

“Hey, come on.  You know I can’t run that fast!”

“For a famous detective you’re awfully out of shape!” Sam called over his shoulder.

“Hey, look out!” Dave cried.

Too late.  Sam turned his head just in time to see the front wheel of the dirt bike crash into his leg, sending him and the rider into a heap on the road.

“Sam, are you okay?” Dave shouted.

“Owww!  You creep!  You made me fall!” hollered the rider, a red-haired, freckled kid of about eight.

Sam limped to his feet.  “I’m all right,” he called back to Dave.  He wasn’t really. His knees and elbows were bruised and he had a cut on his hand.

But the kid was younger and smaller than he, so he hobbled over to him and asked, “Where are you hurt?”

The kid pointed to his bike.  “Look at this!  You scratched the finish!  I’ll sue you!”

Sam stared at the bike and then at the boy.  There wasn’t a scratch on him. For one second, Sam wanted to haul off and deck him, but Dave, who’d caught up with them, said, “Listen, kid.  If anyone’s gonna sue, it’s us.  This accident was your fault.  You’re not supposed to ride along this path.  It’s for pedestrians.”

The kid looked from Sam to Dave and then back to Sam and shook his head as if to clear it.  “Hey, I”m seeing double.  Concussion!  I’ve got a concussion!”

“You’re going to have one if you don’t get out of here,” Sam muttered.

“What’s your name, kid?” Dave said, pulling a pad out of his hip pocket.  “In case we do sue.”

The kid gave them a tough look.  “Leroy.  Spelled L-E-R-O-Y.  And I don’t care if you do sue, ’cause I’m gonna tell my dad and he’s going to beat you up.”  Then he got on his bike and rode away.

“Man,” said Sam.  “I hope I don’t see him around in a big hurry.”

“Yeah,” agreed Dave.  “But doesn’t he remind you of someone?”

“Who?”

“That red-haired-girl in our class, Rita O’Toole.”

Sam thought about it and gave a little smile.  There was a slight resemblance, but Rita O’Toole was the smartest kid in their class and she seemed nice, too, not like the obnoxious jerk who’d just crippled him.  He shook his head.  “Nah.  No way,” he said.  “No way!”

The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth

Fiction for Young Adults

(Excerpt from Chapter 2)

Nemi and I became friends in the third grade because he didn’t want to play Baby Bear.  It was near the end of the term and our teacher, Ms. Lowenthal, told us that for the annual class play we would be doing Goldilocks and the Three Bears and that the main parts would be:  Goldilocks, Mama Bear, Papa Bear, Baby Bear and the narrator.

“Who can tell us what a narrator is?” Ms. Lowenthal asked.  “Becky?”

“A narrator is someone who tells the story,”  I said hurriedly.  “But Ms. Lowenthal, if there are only five big parts, what is the rest of the class going to do?”  Note that I said “the rest of the class” and not “the rest of us,” automatically assuming I would be playing one of the lead roles.

“That’s a very good question, Becky,” Ms. Lowenthal said.  “The rest of the class will be in the band and the chorus.”

There isn’t any band or chorus in Goldilocks and the Three Bears, I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t.

Then Nemi piped up.  “When are the auditions?” he asked.

Now, up until that time, I’d barely noticed Nemi.  He was small–the smallest kid in the class, as a matter of fact–and dark and fairly quiet.  But when he asked his question, I–and the whole class–turned to look at him.   Auditions? What were auditions?  What was this smart-ass kid talking about?

Even Ms. Lowenthal looked stunned.  “Ah, well, Nemi, that too is a good question.  There…um…won’t be any…ah…auditions.  I will pick people for the parts.”

“Oh” was all Nemi said.

“Ms. Lowenthal, what are auditions?” Kathy Flaherty asked, blinking her big blue
eyes and flicking back her long blond curls.

“Well, Kathy, auditions are…well, why don’t we let Nemi explain what they are.”

“They’re when people try out for parts in a play and the best people get the best parts,” he answered.

“Who decides who’s best?” Jimmy Biaggi asked.

“The director.  Usually.  But sometimes other people.  Last year in my other school we put on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and we had auditions before the whole class.  Then the kids got to pick who would play the parts.”

“What did you play?” I asked.

“The Prince,” he answered with a straight face.

And everyone oohed and ahhed.

“Well, I think that’s a dumb way to do things,” Kathy said.  “Ms. Lowenthal, you’re the director, aren’t you?”

Ms. Lowenthal, by now totally speechless at this group of Equity-card-carrying actors she hadn’t known she’d been harboring all year in her classroom, merely nodded.

“Well, then you see,” said Kathy, “you already know who’s best for each part. Don’t you, Ms. Lowenthal?”

Ms. Lowenthal cleared her throat and said, “Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe…I…yes…I think I do.”

There was a silence, and then Jimmy said, “So, tell us who gets the parts.”

Ms. Lowenthal looked at her watch, cleared her throat again and said, “After lunch.”

The class groaned and trooped off to the cafeteria.

I immediately grabbed a seat next to Nemi.  “How do you know so much about plays?” I said.

“From my mother.”

“She’s an actress?” I said, getting excited.

“No.  She used to be a dresser.”

I must’ve looked blank because Nemi said, “She used to help actors get into their costumes.”

“Aren’t they old enough to dress themselves?” I said.

Nemi laughed.  “Ha-ha.  That’s very funny.”

But I hadn’t meant it as a joke.  I thought maybe she dressed child actors or something.

Finally, Nemi explained that actors often have complicated costumes they have to get in and out of fast and need a dresser to help them.

“Oh,” I responded.  “Did she like it?”

“Yes.  She wants to go back to doing it when my sister is a little older.”

“What does your father do?” I asked.

“He’s a dentist.”

“Ugh,” I said, then clapped my hand over my mouth in embarrassment.

“That’s okay.  Everybody says that.”  Then he asked.  “What do your parents do?”

“My mother’s an Avon Lady,” I said.  “I get lots of free perfume and soap and nail polish and lipstick and things.”

“You wear that junk?”

“Just for play.”

“What about your father?”

I turned a little red.  I never really knew what my father did.  Something about figuring out whether or not things will work right in a business.  It took me until I was thirteen to learn he was a systems analyst.  It will take me another twenty years to understand what that means.  “He does stuff with numbers,” I said.

“You mean he’s an accountant?”

“Something like that,” I said.  Then I changed the subject.  “Nemi, what part do you want to play in the play?”

“The narrator,” he said.  “It’s the best part.”

“How do you know that?”

“It was the best part last year in Snow White.”

“Oh.”

“How about you?  What part do you want?”

I wanted to play Goldilocks, but somehow I was embarrased to admit it.  “Mama Bear,” I lied.

“Baloney,” Nemi said.  “You want to play Goldilocks.  But you won’t get it.”

“Why not?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“Because that teacher’s pet Kathy Flaherty will.”

“How do you know?”

“Wait and see.”

So then we trooped back to class and sat very straight and very eager in our seats.  There was an air of expectation in the room.  Ms. Lowenthal looked more composed than she had before lunch.”

“Well, I’ve made my selection,” she said.  “Grace, what does selection mean?”

Plump Gracie Shapiro said, “It means you’ve made your choice,” in a crisp, clear voice.

“Good.  For the part of Goldilocks, Kathy Flaherty.”

Nemi looked at me with a grin.  I turned my head away from him and looked at Kathy.  She had a big smirk on her face and was twisting one golden lock around her finger just the way she had twisted Ms. Lowenthal.

“For Papa Bear, Jimmy Biaggi.  Mama Bear, Grace Shapiro.  For Baby Bear, Nemi Barish.  And for the narrator, Becky Weiss.”  She looked up with a smile.

Some of the class were grumbling and some were relieved.  Jimmy was growling and clawing the air.  Grace was beaming–it was her first speaking part in a play. The year before, she’d had to be the rear end of a donkey in The Bremen Town Musicians. And then I looked at Nemi.  His face was kind of pale for him and his eyes looked funny, like he was about to cry and didn’t want to.

“May I be excused, Ms. Lowenthal?” he sort of choked out.

“Not right now, Nemi, wait a few minutes…Now class, the rest of you will…” Ms. Lowenthal went on to explain what the rest of the class would be doing.  And while she was talking, I watched Nemi bite his lip and blink his eyes.  I don’t think anybody noticed but me and maybe Jeff Carter, who sat next to him.

When Ms. Lowenthal finished talking, Nemi said, “Now may I be excused, Ms. Lowenthal?”

“Yes, you may,” she said.

He nearly bolted out of the room.

I knew I couldn’t use the same line, so I said, “Oh, Ms. Lowenthal, I left my book in the cafeteria.”

“Well, go get it, Becky.”  She sighed.

And I ran out and down the hall and caught up with Nemi at the Boys’ Room door. Tears were streaming down his face and his lip was bleeding from biting it.  “What is it?  What’s the matter?  Are you mad because I got the part you wanted?”

He shook his head.

“Well, what’s wrong, then?”

“Nothing…It’s…I…just don’t want to pl-play that st-stupid part, is all.”

“What stupid part?  Baby Bear?  That’s a good part.”

“No, it isn’t…it’s st-stupid.”

I looked at him and knew he wasn’t telling me the truth, but I didn’t know why.

And then he blurted it out.  “I’m sick of getting the baby parts.  In second grade, I didn’t play the Prince.  I played Dopey.  In first grade, I played Tiny Tim.  And now it’s Baby Bear.  I hate being the littlest one in the class!”  And he started to cry so hard, his thin shoulders shook.

I didn’t know what to do.  I put one hand out, then took it back.  “Hey.  Hey,” I said helplessly.  “Listen, you’ll grow,” I said.

But that only made him cry harder.

I sighed.  What could I do to help my new friend?  And then I knew.  “Nemi, I’ve got an idea,” I said.  “Look, I wanted to play your part the most–next to Goldilocks, that is.”

“And Mama Bear,” he sniffled.

“And Mama Bear.  And you want to play my part.  So why don’t we switch?”

He looked up at me and sniffled.  “W-we can’t do that.  Ms. Lowenthal w-won’t let us.”

“How do you know?  We’ll just tell her we like each other’s parts better.”

“It w-won’t work.”

“It’s worth a try,” I said.  “You wash your face and I’ll see you back to class.”

After class, Nemi and I told Ms. Lowenthal that we wanted to switch roles.

“But why?” Ms. Lowenthal said.

“Because…uh…because…Nemi’s allergic to fur,” I said.

“The costumes won’t be made of fur,” Ms. Lowenthal said.

“And because I can play the drum and it would be good for the narrator to lead the band, don’t you think?” Nemi put in.

Ms. Lowenthal looked puzzled, but she said, “Well, that is a nice idea…Well, if you two really want to switch, I suppose it’s all right with me.”

“Thanks, Ms. Lowenthal,” Nemi and I said.

When we got outside, Nemi looked at me and grinned his lopsided grin.  “You and me are gonna be some swell actors, Becky Weiss.”

I grinned back and knew that even if he wasn’t right about that, Nemi Barish and I were going to be good friends for a long time to come.

The Fido Frame-Up

THE FIDO FRAME-UP

Chapter One

The name’s Samantha.  Samantha Spayed.  But you can call me Sam.

I’ve been on the right side of the law for a long time.  I work hard, fight rough, and I never forget a smell.

Without me, Philip Barlowe would never have cracked a single case.  Lucky for him he knows detection is a dog’s work.

Phil and I got together one rainy day when i was cooling my heels under a car. His car.  I wasn’t doing much at the time, so when Phil asked me if I wanted to come on to his place, I said “Woof,” which means “Sure.”  That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  Beautiful except for one thing.  All of those famous capers you’ve read about–those burglars called the Golden Retrievers, the capture of gangster Derek Dangerfield, the Case of the Maltese Maltese–all those criminals brought to justice.  Who do you think sniffed them out?  Philip Barlowe, you say?  Wrong!  Samantha Spayed, that’s who.  I catch the crooks; Barlowe gets the credit.  That’s why I’m going to tell you the story of our latest case myself.  It’s about time Barlowe shares some of his glory.  So, here is the true story of The Fido Frame-Up.  Told exclusively by yours truly.

It was  a month after we’d successfully shepherded the Golden Retrievers to jail and nothing much was in the works.  I could tell Barlowe was itching for a job and I was tired of sitting around and scratching my fleas.

“Sam, how about a vacation?” Barlowe would say every night.

Whaddya think this is, I would say to myself.

“Tomorrow,” Barlowe would say.  And tomorrow would come and go leaving us in apartment 2B waiting for our chance to serve the cause of justice–and make a little money.

Then, one night while Phil was rereading his best book on poisons and I was memorizing a few odors to add to my repertory–some kind of perfume on the sleeve of Barlowe’s jacket, probably from his latest dame, and a crummy new sauce Barlowe had poured over my dog food to make me think I was getting steak like I do when we’ve got dough–the phone rang.  The phone hadn’t rung after eleven p.m. in a long time.  In fact, the phone hadn’t rung much lately at all.  My ears perked up and my hair got that bristly feeling it does when something’s about to happen.  It rang again.  And again.  Barlowe was sure taking his time.  It’s all part of his act.

“Hello,” he finally answered in his most casual voice.  “Yeah.  Yeah.  Yeah.”

I began to pace the floor, letting out a whine or two–just to let Barlowe know I was awake.

“You say only your cameo was stolen, Lady Binghampton-Nuggets.”

A stolen cameo !  That meant a case.  And Lady Binghampton-Nuggets!  I’d heard of her.  She was loaded.

“I’m pretty busy…”  Barlowe was still keeping up his hard-to-get image.

I sneezed.  Loudly.

“How about tomorrow?”

I began to howl.

Barlowe gave me a dirty look, but kept his cool.  “Right now?”  He paused.  “Well, I’ll see.”  He hung up.  “Okay, Sam, get your leash.  We’ve got a little job to do.”

I bolted into the bedroom, grabbed my leash, and bounced out, wagging my tail in a highly unprofessional fashion.  “Mmmoof,” I barked, meaning “What’s up?”

“Looks like the Black Feather Gang.”  Barlowe lowered his voice.

The Black Feather Gang!  The dirtiest, most ruthless crooks around.  And the cleverest.  Lots of gangs have trademarks, which they leave in place of whatever they steal.  Take the Lipstick Crew–they always scrawled a “thank you” in lipstick.  And the Commuters–they always deposited a subway token.  Well, the Black Feather Gang’s trademark is a black feather.  Now, that doesn’t make them so clever.  And they always take jewelry.  That’s not so special either.  But it’s how they manage to get the jewelry that is.  The Black Feather Gang steals jewelry from places nobody can get into.  The Gang scattered when their leader, Derek Dangerfield, was caught and everyone thought they’d left the country.  But it looked as if they were back in town.  And that meant trouble.  Big trouble.

“Bbboof,” I replied.

“Yeah,” agreed Phil.  “And that means trouble.  Big trouble.”

He’s always stealing my lines.

Tarantulas on the Brain

(excerpt from Chapter One)

Aunt Minnie is always telling me the story of the ugly duckling.  You know the one–it’s about this funny-looking duckling that everyone laughs at and then it has the last laugh because it grows up to be a big, beautiful swan.  The reason she keeps telling me this story is because I’m pretty funny-looking–I’ve got long legs and humongous feet, and buck teeth, too–and Aunt Minnie hopes I’ll grow up and become a swan.  But I keep telling her I don’t want to be a swan because swans are nasty, mean birds that can break your leg with one swat of a wing if they want to.  You see, people are always misjudging animals because of their looks.  Take spiders, for instance.  Especially tarantulas.  People look at tarantulas and see their long, hairy legs and their fat, fuzzy bodies and they scream and yell and say how horrible tarantulas are.  But they don’t understand tarantulas at all.  Tarantulas are soft and gentle and they never bite–well, almost never–unless they’re attacked first.  I’d rather become a tarantula than a swan any day.  I told Mom and Dad that, but they said, “Oh Lizzie, honestly!” They’re just as bad as everybody else.

But my sister Rona is even worse.  She says the only thing spiders are good for is to be stepped on, and that only a brat could like them.  “Lizzie, you’re a brat,” she says.

Once, I asked her why she thinks I’m a brat, but she just said, “Well, if you don’t know, I won’t bother to tell you.”

“That’s a very unscientific answer,” I said.

“You and your science!  Science won’t get you a boyfriend,” she sneered.

I told her she’d make a good black widow spider when she grows up.

Then she got real mad and said a remark like that proved I was a brat and she stomped off to call her friend Judy and talk about boys.

I think if Rona spent more time studying science than looking in the mirror to see if her breasts are growing, she’d know a lot more about life and spiders.  And maybe even boys.

The First Few Friends

The First Few Friends

(excerpt from Chapter One)

August, 1968

My ass really hurts.

I’ve been on this damn plane for nearly fourteen hours.  It’s almost midnight.  Five a.m. in London.  We were supposed to have arrived at five p.m. Eastern Daylight Time.  It figures that just when I’m coming home after being in England for a year, there’d be an airport strike.  We circled Kennedy Airport for three hours, flew to Toronto to refuel, flew back to New York and have been circling for almost three hours again.  Any more circling and I’ll have permanent vertigo.

Oh God, there goes another poor slob staggering to the loo.  That’s toilet in English.

Come to think of it, I’m not feeling so well myself.  I don’t think that Scotch and soda helped.  I hope my parents don’t smell it on my breath.  I can hear the comments already–“You went to England a teetotaler and came back a wino,” “Our daughter a boozer!” et al.

Was it really just yesterday Gwyn killsed me good-bye in Victoria Station?

“Don’t see me off at the airport,” I’d begged.  “I couldn’t bear it.  It’s too final.”

“Nothing’s final.  I’ll come to the States within a year.  I promise you I will,” he answered seriously.  Then he got that mischievous glint in his eye that I love so much.  “And I’ll thrill your friends with my British charm and perfect manners,” he said and pinched my bum–or ass, as Americans call it.

Oh Gwyn.  Oh God.

Why do I have to come back to New York?

“Please fasten your etceteras.”

I must have dozed off.  I wonder who’s waiting for me at the terminal.  My parents, of course.  What will they think about me now?  I’ve changed a lot in a year, a year spent at Reading University learning about literature and life.  A hefty hunk of life.  I’m twenty (almost).  A grown-up.  So my parents can’t pretend I’m their little girl anymore, can they?  Things have to be different A.E. (After England).

Will the Whole Sick Crew be waiting too?  I hope so–at least then I’ll have some people to talk to.  We had a lot of good times before I left–Aviva, Dorrie, Nancy and me, the Whole Sick Crew.  I remember how Aviva dubbed us that.  We were going out to Nathan’s on Long Island to consume large quantities of hot dogs and Cokes and to show off Dorrie’s bike to the Rebels, a motorcycle gang we heard hung out there.  That was Avi’s latest craze–motorcycles.  Avi had lots of crazes–poker, blues clubs (for which we made trips to strange corners of Manhattan), learning and riding the entire New York City subway system, and Tolkien.  And we went through all of the crazes with her.  After all, they were fun.  The one thing she’d always stuck with was singing (even though the type of music changed), just as I stuck with my writing, Dorrie with her sculpture and Nancy with her violin.  Anyway, this time Avi’s craze was motorcycles.  She was too young to own a bike, so Dorrie bought one instead, a used BMW that ate up most of her savings.  Dorrie looked great on that cycle, with her strong, hard-muscled arms, crash helmet and dark shades.  And Avi looked good too, sitting on the back.  Sometimes Dorrie let her practice driving it.  Nancy and I couldn’t afford motorcycles–or drive them for that matter–so we just followed along in my old Chevy.  When we reached Nathan’s there were the Rebels and their girls in their jeans and black leather jackets with the chains and the studs and the name Rebels written in bold red letters.

The Rebels were knocked out by Dorrie and Avi and offered us beer and rides on their bikes.  One of them, Tiny, who was 6’5″ and 280 pounds or so, as a supreme compliment lifted up Dorrie and Avi together as if they were two little birds, set them on his bike and told them to take it for a spin.  Dorrie and Avi loved it.  We all did–even though rounding those sharp corners and heading through those dark streets made me and Nancy a little nervous.  When we finally left, beer bloated, exhilarated and slightly woozy, a silent gloating passed between us.  We were tough, it said.  We were any man’s equal.

Then, back in Dorrie’s room, we shared some leftover rice pudding and exchanged imitations of the Rebels’ pungent speech until we collapsed laughing.

“Look at us.  The Whole Sick Crew?” Aviva said.

“The Whole Sick Crew?  Did you make that up?” I asked.

“No, I got it from this weird book called V.  The Crew is a bunch of lethargic, decadent romantics.”

“That’s us, all right,” Dorrie said.

“There’s a character in it, Benny Profane, who hunts alligators in the sewers of New York.”

“Are there really alligators in the sewers of New York?” Nancy asked.

“Sure, but they’re disguised as rats,” Dorrie answered.

“The Whole Sick Crew.  I like that,” I said.

And so that’s who we became.

The Crew made life at Queens College bearable.  Maybe they can make this year bearable too.  If anyone can.  Anyone besides Gwyn.